If I make a mistake, she raps me over the fingers with her ruler. But she never hurts my spirit, she only hits me to correct my mistake.

Night after night I inflict abuse on myself, even drawing blood. It's strangely calming. I know the pain will stop whenever I want. I was the one who decided when it should start; I will be the one to decide when it stops. However much it hurts, I draw some comfort from the idea that I'm in control.

I can't take it anymore, I can't put up with this suffering I neither understand nor know when it will end.

I no longer have any fear of pain because I'm the one inflicting it and can decide when it stops.