Smile often. It will either confuse people or make them think you’re up to something.

Screw the social ladder. Choose to levitate.

Always, always be yourself. Unless you’re a dunce, douche, doofus, or a schmuck.

Whenever someone throws a tantrum I usually duck. Other times I goose. But I never quail or chicken out.

Marriage is called an ‘institution’ because you must be somewhat mental to get into it. You first seek asylum but end up living in one. You don’t believe me? Well, in Spanish ‘Esposas’ means wives as well as handcuffs. But hey, that’s nothing but a linguistic coincidence.

I used to say: “All religions are somewhat true. But my religion is the truest of them all because I was born into it and never got to choose it.” Now I have transcended this atavistic dogmatic reality tunnel and evolved into spirituality, thereby making me more spiritually enlightened than you.

Arguing with a fool means you’re also one.

Should the fact that we cut down trees using axe handles made of wood be called irony or woody?

There are only two kinds of people in this world: Those who are always certain of everything and I’m not sure who the others are.