Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.