Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment.

[Reviewing the New York City Telephone Directory] But it is the opinion of the present reviewer that the weakness of plot is due to the great number of characters which clutter up the pages. The Russian school is responsible for this.

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.

The ideal age for a boy to own a dog is between forty-five and fifty.