If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.

Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.

Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.