I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.