You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.