My father used to beat me with his belt...while it was still on him.

I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.