5,226 Quotes About Humour

I used to say: “All religions are somewhat true. But my religion is the truest of them all because I was born into it and never got to choose it.” Now I have transcended this atavistic dogmatic reality tunnel and evolved into spirituality, thereby making me more spiritually enlightened than you.

You aren’t married married until three days into a discussion about if getting a toaster oven would be worth sacrificing the counter space.

Have a selective optimistic sight, transform the bitch glitch "in stitches.

I take hold of the coffee mug, inhaling the fumes as though my life depends on it.

Being sixteen is officially the worst thing I've ever been.

@mink: Well, you’re in luck, if you pick another movie. My hair is clean, I usually eat dinner around eight, and I’m currently single. Not that it matters.

My mouth went dry as I tried to remember all of Poppie’s tips for kissing over the years. She told me no guy wanted a girl with a mouth as wide as a guppy, who sucked his tongue with the force of a Dyson vacuum cleaner first time, or licked him to death like an overeager puppy. She’d told me to just purse my lips and let him lead and take control. Don’t slobber, don’t slobber, don’t slobber, I chanted to myself as he got closer and closer

I am really fucking good at knowing when things are dogs.

«Ascolta, non serve che mi scaldi, però sì, ti sei comportato da idiota.»«Hai ragione per quanto riguarda l’idiota, ma per quanto riguarda lo scaldarti… nella tua lingua significa la stessa cosa che nelle mia?»Ne dubitavo. Avrei dovuto preparare la mia entrata in scena con un po’ più d’attenzione.