I'm not a Republican.

I was a horrible student.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, 'Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome.'

It’s like the Fouth of July in my underpants.

I’ve always boxed, I always taught boxing.

They’re not vegetarians because they love cows and pigs, it’s because they love attention.

Humans need challenges to overcome, just like a muscle needs resistance to grow. In a zero-gravity environment, an astronaut’s muscles atrophy because there is no resistance. The government giving you a bunch of handouts and living your life for you is the equivalent of doing push-ups in outer space. Big government is like the void of space – it’s massive, constantly expanding, and if we immerse ourselves in it, we’ll simply wither away.

I’m a comedian, not a politician.

When you’re doing a radio show, you can express yourself.

I didn’t have any success in show business until I was 30 to 31 years of age.