When a kid says “smell my hand,” it almost never smells like cinnamon.

When a kid can understand that a word can mean two things, there’s some real thinking going on. They have a vested interest in finding out what a word means, because it’s the punch line to a joke.

If I have a talent for making some fourth-grader who hates school and reading to hate it a little less, then I have to do the most with what I’ve been issued.

Kids enjoy laughing and are seldom bored when they find something funny. They also ask questions, often to adults, because they understand that the more words they can comprehend about a funny story or a joke, the more they’ll enjoy it.

I love the semicolon; it’s unnecessary, but graceful and sophisticated.

A good friend will help you plant your tulips. A great friend will help you plant a gun on the unarmed intruder you just shot.

It's perfectly okay if you don't understand every single one of them. For one thing, I make a lot of corny jokes, and you have to be 40 years old to get some of them.

You want a story? Read 'Gone With the Wind'. These aren't stories. They're joke books. The whole thing of a beginning, a middle and an end has been done to death.

When a kid can understand that a word can mean two things, there's some real thinking going on. They have a vested interest in finding out what a word means, because it's the punch line to a joke.

It's perfectly okay if you don't understand every single one of them. For one thing, I make a lot of corny jokes, and you have to be 40 years old to get some of them.