I'm always in town for Halloween. Even if I didn't happen to enjoy walking in the Village Halloween parade in my ax murderer's mask, I would feel it my duty to be there because of the long-established role of a father in passing on important cultural traditions to the next generation.

I never did very well in math—I could never seem to persuade the teacher that I hadn't meant my answers literally.

At American weddings, the quality of the food is inversely proportional to the social position of the bride and groom.

I'm in favor of liberalized immigration because of the effect it would have on restaurants. I’d let just about everybody in except the English.

If bumblebee leavings and stump paste are good for you, why can't any of those guys (in the health stores) grow full beard?

May is a perfect time to be in Tuscany — a time when it’s still not too hot for a contessa to spend some time next to the pool, gazing approvingly over the vineyards that surround her.

Anybody who doesn't think that the best hamburger place in the world is in his home town is a sissy.

One advantage of a monarchy is that a monarchy does not suffer the effects of having great clots of white Christians moping around simply because they aren't the king or queen.

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers.The original meal has never been found.

With humor, it's so subjective that trying to think of what the ideal reader would think would drive you crazy.