Quotes by Christopher Titus

I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest. And that’s why it feels like we are polarized.

My random acts of violence weren’t random. They were premeditated.

Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head.

So what if your custom car shop tanks and you’ve gotta take a crappy job at an auto parts store, dealing with ignorant, pushy people. I’m okay with that, ’cause I’m an ignorant, pushy people person.

I’m the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.

Clint Eastwood doesn’t moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize!

Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got, he didn’t mind.

They call it torture when our guys put underwear on a guy’s head, stripped him naked, put an egg between his buttcheeks and made him do jumping jacks. You know, if it can’t get you into a fraternity at Chico State University, it’s not torture.

I have been accused of sleeping with people, I hadn’t met yet.

When I was seven, I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest with my mom. When Jack Nicholson was strapped to the table getting electroshock treatment, my mom burst into tears. She said it reminded her of her life, and I was stunned, because I didn’t know my mom had been nominated for an Oscar.