I got sober. I stopped killing myself with alcohol. I began to think, 'Wait a minute— if I an stop doing this, what are the possibilities? And slowly it dawned on me that it was maybe worth the risk.

The Universe is very, very big.It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules.Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever.Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies.Rule number two: Everything lasts forever

During the Cold War, West Berlin was a exclave - a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas.

It turns out that speeding irresponsibly in a large truck, placing personal wealth ahead of the welfare of others, is one of the greatest sins in the Universe.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up that stuff is very similar.

Sober alkies are often asked: When did you hit rock bottom but a more informed question might be: How many times did you hit rock bottom

I dont think theres anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isnt fashionable.

I come from a very critical culture. You know the Scots. They're always saying: 'Oh, no. It will never work. You'll never amount to anything. You've got to know your place in the world.'

It's the beauty and curse of doing a daily show. Some days you've got nothing to talk about and other days Dick Cheney shoots his lawyer in the face and everyone is happy.

Jeb Bush announced today on the Internet that he may run for president. The next presidential election could be Bush vs. Clinton. It will be like 1992 all over again except I won’t be in rehab.