I would think, if you were horny enough, there’d come a time when it was hos before bros.

Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM’s? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.

Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you’ve never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.

Death’s vigilance is eternal, so shall mine be.

Every time I fold the baby’s clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they’re being followed.