I don't watch reality TV. I'm cool.

I’m a joke comic. I tell jokes.

Once you get offstage you’re just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.

Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It’s garbage. It’s not going to go bad again.

Sometimes. I get recognized, but I’m not really a famous famous. I’m pretty low on the showbiz totem pole – I mean, I’m no Jon or Kate plus eight. I’m just a comic, not a baby factory.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.

I’m not the comic of the generation, I’m not even the funniest guy in my family.

You can say, ‘Can I use your bathroom?’ and nobody cares. But if you ask, ‘Can I use the plop-plop machine?’ it always breaks the conversation.

I’m a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

My gym has two-pound weights. If you’re using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What’s your dream? To pump up and open your mail?