In college, Yuppies major in business administration. If to meet certain requirements they have to take a liberal arts course, they take Business poetry.

By the eighties, a lot of radio stations had started playing sixties music. They called it Classic Rock, because they knew we'd be upset if they came right out and called it what it is, namely middle-aged-person nostalgia music.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished two bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be meetings.

People passing each other on the street would say would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or to the atheists 'Look out for the wall!'.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.

The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season. Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church. Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue. The atheists went to parties and drank.

Europeans, like some Americans, drive on the right side of the road, except in England, where they drive on both sides of the road.

Remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.