I used this product called 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter' 'cause sometimes, when I'm eating toast, I like to be incredulous. 'How was breakfast?' ' Unbelievable.'

I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

A power nap is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you.

Hiking is just walking where it's okay to pee.

People only have so much attention.

I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

Turtles are greater than baby nephews, because it’s ok to drop a turtle.

To remove all credibility from what you’re saying try wearing sunglasses on your forehead.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don’t like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don’t need a handle. Just give me the candy.

I think there’s a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you’re a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.