You can put up a front in the real world, but your mom sees through that faster than Superman sees through Lois Lane's pantsuit.

You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the three Rs, only one begins with an R.

A selfie is paparazzi for people who aren't vibrant enough to attract paparazzi.

Only man is a narcissistic enough species to think that a highly evolved alien life force would travel across billions and billions of light-years a group of aliens so intelligent, so insouciant, so utterly above it all, they feel no need whatsoever to equip their spacecraft with windows so that they can gaze out on all that celestial beauty but then immediately upon landing, their first impulse is to get in some hick's ass with a flashlight.

I lapsed into rude.

It’s wrong to discriminate based on skin color when there are so many other reasons not to like someone.

I like money. It’s fun to fold and stack and smell and look at. It’s just plain fun to count money, and I often do it in a loud falsetto while wearing nothing but a captain’s hat and a coin changer.

Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu’s triplets!

I think we have to help the helpless. The clueless? I don’t give a rat’s ass about the clueless.

I haven’t seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.