If it hadn't been for my wife, I couldn't have stood married life.

Women give us solace, but if it were not for women we should never need solace.

Unhappiness is not knowing what we want, and killing ourselves to get it.

Doctors think a lot of patients are cured who have simply quit in disgust.

There is one thing about baldness: it's neat.

Work is the greatest thing in the world. So we should always save some of it for tomorrow.

I had, out of my sixty teachers, a scant half dozen who couldn’t have been supplanted by phonographs.

About the time we get old enough to be as wicked as we want to be, we don’t want to be so very wicked after all.

A woman’s hair net tangled in a man’s spectacles on top of the bedroom dresser.

The mind of man has no defense To equal plain, old common sense. This homely virtue don’t despise, If you would be happy as well as wise.