False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.

The best thing about bugs is their lack of self consciousness, also the ability to fly doesn't hurt

People that say I have a 'fear of commitment' don't understand my relationship with popcorn.

The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.

Latin women enjoy being women more than other women.

Misery loves company which is ironic because it rarely throws dinner parties.

Dating is great unless you don't like horrible awkwardness, lying, and a deep foreboding sense of disappointment that never goes away.

Headphones aren't big enough these days. Why not just throw a couple of stereo speakers in a full face motorcycle helmet.

People who say life is precious don't spend much time on line at the airport.

Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses.