The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I’m a man. And I can take the wetness!

I’ve always suffered from a complete inability to sense who’s important.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I give money to Unicef because I like the ‘bang for your buck’ aspect. Here’s $10, go and save 1,000 kids from blindness!

All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.

Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can’t continue with the “urbane sophisticate” ’til the day I die.

My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

Because we allow handguns. When you know someone in the crowd might be packing a rod, it can’t help but rush your timing.

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.