I feel like a steaming cow-pat – or a car that’s clocked up 400,000 miles in one journey.

He’s going to be what?! Oh for God’s sake. Sir David Beckham? You’re having a laugh. He’s just a good footballer with a famous bird.

The dietician is going to get rid of that when he comes in. Although, first, we’ve got to get a dietician.

My ceiling’s broken, my car’s got a puncture and we’ve just lost two matches. But I’ve got my health and I’ll ask the big man upstairs why he didn’t give us a point.

I am more than happy at Blackpool and I am afraid the chairman will need a hell of a tub of cream to get rid of me – I’m like a bad rash and not easily curable.

I’ve got four women in my house – my wife and my three daughters – and I tell you what, it’s pretty scary. I keep my head down and if we’re out shopping I try and look in a man’s shop while they make their minds up.

In football you need to have everything in your cake mix to make the cake taste right. One little bit of ingredient that Tony Pulis uses in his cake gets talked about all the time is Rory’s throw. Call that cinnamon and he’s got a cinnamon flavoured cake.

I feel like I’ve been on EastEnders all my life and now I’m playing King Lear.

It’s all very well having a great pianist playing but it’s no good if you haven’t got anyone to get the piano on the stage in the first place, otherwise the pianist would be standing there with no bloody piano to play.

It was lucky that the linesman wasn’t stood in front of me as I would have poked him with a stick to make sure he was awake.