I went out with a promiscuous impressionist - she did everybody.

I was born nine months premature.

You know what burns me? Matches.

People read me but they don't subscribe.

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.

I saw a stationery store move.

A guy gave me a job at an information booth – no questions asked.

I don’t need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

I’m convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb – they diffused it.

I went to a urologist – he told me I could go at any time.