I would vote for you for President but I’m against big government.

I think Jersey stands alone, and because I’m from Jersey, I never make fun of where people are from. I’ll make fun of what they look like, but I’ll never make fun of where they are from. Jersey is special.

Sometimes during my set I invite volunteers up on stage to get speed-roasted and I’m worried that I may have hundreds of people rushing the stage all at once. Luckily I’m a black belt in karate and I can fend them off.

When I see a good singer, I get teary-eyed. Part of it is jealousy because all comedians are frustrated rock stars. That’s a fact.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn’t offend somebody it’s probably not a joke. It’s probably an observation that’s not funny. It’s gotta offend somebody somewhere.

Comedy comes from pain, and no one knows that better than this woman Roseanne Barr – who was molested as a child. Uch. That poor molester. Roseanne never got over it. She felt violated. She had trust issues. She never got the candy he promised her.

I’ve actually tried to roast somebody that I don’t like, and it doesn’t go well. Either they’re a bad sport or I’m not as funny as I could be.

Comedy comes from pain, and no one knows that better than this woman Roseanne Barr—who was molested as a child. Uch. That poor molester. Roseanne never got over it. She felt violated. She had trust issues. She never got the candy he promised her.

I usually have sex to my stand-up comedy album. Power move.

Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?