I think people tend to be very myopic and they don't understand how their actions impact others.

Everyone who reads me is someone I’d like to hang out with.

That which went wrong, and that which went right, would have been made easier if I were more focused on my goals.

Or how about when a person publishes something along the lines of, “This has been the worst day EVAH,” but then gets all closed-lipped about why it’s been so bad. This is attention-seeking at its worst.

Seriously, our nation is never going to be on the same page on issues like gun control, welfare, the economy, the environment, etc. I doubt we’ll ever come to terms on tastes great or less filling and hybrids versus Hummers, and there will always be Yankees fans and Red Sox fans, and never the ’twain shall meet. Fortunately, all it takes for us to be of one mind is some buttercream frosting.

While I’m happy for everyone who wants a family, I look at the notion of having kids the same way I look at people who get tattoos on their faces, like, “Hoo-boy, that’s permanent.

You don’t have to be a writer, though, to know that making fun of yourself is a good way to deflect being made fun of. Like many people, I am hypercritical about myself so that I beat the haters to the punch. When I acknowledge my foibles first, no one else can use them against me. I’ve taken away everyone else’s power to make me feel less about myself by doing it first.

If I may, I’d like to take a moment to praise Mark Zuckerberg’s parents for not procreating sooner. Praise be to all that is holy that Facebook didn’t exist when I was that age and the Internet then was but a Usenet group for Star Trek fans. I feel like the luckiest person in the world to have grown up when cameras used actual film because the only thing that stood between infamy and me was the clerk who developed photos at Walgreens. Thank God for him.

No one gives out Congratulations on Not Being a Douche-Canoe medals, because good behavior is part of the social contract.

I’m a humor writer, so I don’t always present myself in the best light.