The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective. So if there's any real advice I can give you it's this. College is something you complete. Life is something you experience.

The danger of oppression is not just being oppressed, it's becoming an oppressor.

You can use your idealism to further your aims, if you realize that nothing is Nirvana, nothing is perfect.

Democrats always standing up for what they later realize they should have believed in.

At first the difference will be in whatever atmosphere I bring into it. It’s not going to be like, ‘I really want to do The Daily Show and I’d love to turn it into an abstract musical.’ I like the format and the chance to satirize the news.

That’s what it’s like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that’s a good year for you. So that’s not a pleasant feeling.

If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it’s that the terrorists can attack us, but they can’t take away what makes us American – our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

Republicans are no longer allowed to say that people are rich. You have to refer to them as ‘job creator.’ You can’t even use the word ‘rich.’ You have to say, ‘This chocolate cake is so moist and job creator.’

Thus, I’ve created humour.

Never name it after yourself. Maybe we’ll throw a with in there. That seems to work. Like Late Show With David Letterman.