My dad is awesome.

All right. Here’s the deal. You’re eight,” he said. “I’m nine,” I said. “Do I look like I carry an abacus with your name on it? Cut me some slack here, son.

That’s your mother. You and she are not equals. Here’s her,” he said, putting his hand high up above his head, “and here’s you,” he added, putting his other hand well below the table.

On Waterslides “You go on ahead. I’d rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds’ urine.

That’s your curfew: not waking me up.

Seeing someone you used to date is a lot like watching highlights of your favorite team losing in the Super Bowl: just the sight of it hits you like a punch in the gut and makes you remember how upset you were when it all went down in flames.

The thing with Bill Shatner is he brings something unique to everything he does. He’s not the obvious choice for anything, but he always brings something special to it.

At the End of the Day, at Least You Have Family.

Although Kurt Vonnegut may not be considered a humor writer, ‘Breakfast of Champions’ is one of the funniest books I’ve ever read.

I almost feel like I’m unoffendable now. I can roll with whatever.