Politics is the only field in which the more experience you have, the worse you get.

My definition of an artist is anyone who’s ahead of his time and behind on his rent.

Students don’t know who Mark Twain was because he wasn’t on the test.

People are drooling for the truth. They want honesty from politicians, and they’re not getting it.

I’d felt that a man without a woman was like a neck without a pain.

I have a better head of hair than Rick Perry; it’s just not in a place I can show you.

I’m also for gay marriage, because I say they have every right to be just as miserable as the rest of us. Love is bigger than government. And Texas, by the way, has a very progressive law about gay couples adopting kids. We just won’t let them get married. So that’s not common sense.

Now I have a cat. Well, that’s not quite accurate. A cat and I have each other.

There will be a whole new spirit blowing through Texas. There will be a smile on everybody’s face and a chill up the spine of every politician.

If you ain’t Texan, I ain’t got time for you.