I definitely do weird things every show.

If I’m having a fancy glass of champagne, I’ll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.

Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn’t free.

I’d hate to be a writer forever and never perform, and I’d hate to perform and not write. I get sad if time has passed and I haven’t written or made anything. I’m an artist.

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don’t have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I’m starting to panic that I’m a ghost.

I’m so happy to be around people. I just really like people, and being a freelancer can be lonely during the day, when you’re at home trying to write anything you can.

I prefer writing for myself to perform, I guess. But if I had to choose, I’d rather perform in someone’s movie than write a movie for someone else.

This is very ambitious, but I don’t care. I’m just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.

Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele – should be fun – and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I’m gonna cross that one off. That’s stupid.