If at 1st you don’t succeed, stretch out on your La-Z-Boy with a six-pack and a porn flick. Y’ still won’t succeed, but you sure as hell won’t give a shift.

What if there’s no such thing as PMS, and this is just my personality?

There aren’t many things a man finds more appealing than loyalty. Unless it’s a woman with really big knockers.

If you don’t like your teeth; keep your mouth shut.

I’d love to go out with you, but I’d hate to deprive some village of its idiot.

He’s just a flash in the pants.

Matrimony and firefighting. They ain’t for cowards.

Some people say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. In actuality, you have to make an incision through his skin, both dermis and epidermis, then carefully sever and separate the sternum. Only upon viewing the exposed thoracic cavity can you reach the heart – if indeed the male of the species actually possesses such an organ.

Sometimes it’s nice to have a man around the house. But a dog will clean the dishes.

Dating is like nightfall – there’s got to be a mourning after.