Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it.

They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

I received a lot of complaints from parents who wrote and told me that their kids wouldn't go to sleep until our show was over. So I went on the air and told all the children watching to 'listen to their Uncle Miltie and go to bed right after the show.'

People say I owe a lot to television. The fact is I was a star long before television. What TV made me is unemployed.

I have a file of four million jokes... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it.

Now a 'funnyman' can get a laugh before opening his mouth - looking funny. Lou Costello was one of your great funnymen. Harry Langdon, Larry Semon; they were all funnymen - they looked funny. W.C. Fields was never a comedian. Slim Summerville was a comedian, yet looked funny. Now if you have both attributes, you are in good shape.

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now.

There's a difference between being a comic and a comedian. A comic is a guy who says funny things, and a comedian is a guy who says things funny, and he has a style and point of view that will last much longer.

Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.

Our local department store had two Santas – one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.