But constantly thinking and talking about food is what makes werewolves some of the best chefs in the world. Think about it. Have you ever seen Emeril Lagasse during a full moon?

There was also an alarming assortment of junk food, including ready-made cheesecake filling in a tub, which I didn’t even know existed. And now that I was aware of it, I was extremely disgruntled that I couldn’t eat any of it.

You should be just as respectful to authority figures and public servants, even if you can now drain them dry. Because your kids are watching you. Also, because it’s still illegal to drain authority figures and public servants dry.

Tell them you’re pregnant with a married minister’s baby, then say, “Just kidding! I’m a vampire,‘” she suggested.

Did they make Adam’s apple porn? Was that a thing? Would I be scarred for life if I Googled it? And if I couldnt find any pictures, could I take my own?

Jillian’s mouth pulled back at the corners. “Ivy comes highly recommended, is even more qualified, but her bedside manner is appropriate for working with dead people.

I learned never to take him into a baby store. Ever. He snickered every time he heard the word ‘nipple.’” “Well, that’s what you get for dating a giant twelve-year-old,” I told her, sitting on Jolene’s left.

Team Jacob: Because Vampires Shouldn’t Sparkle.

If he does it again, you have my permission to break his legs and arms and make him believe he’s a rodeo clown from Walla Walla,” I promised. “We can make him call himself Slappy the Wonder Clown.

Yeah, but when has telling someone to do what makes them happy ever resulted in a good decision? Remember when we told cousin Todd to do what made him happy and he came home with recently augmented boobs?