And, for whatever reason, identifying the root cause of my problem – like fear of abandonment or something – didn’t change a goddamn thing. I could see quite clearly why I acted a certain way, but that wouldn’t make me any different. I sought out craziness. I was attracted to it. No therapy could take that away.

Hey, man, helping you is how I stay alive. Never forget that.

Now is now... There is nothing but now and I try to hold on to that. The past is gone, the future hasn’t happened yet. This, right here, is all there is.

It’s like the world’s gravitational pull has just lessened tenfold. Everything trapped in me, rushing in and out like the ocean against a jetty – pounding over and over, trying to crush the breaker wall with each rhythmic explosion – has finally been taken away. I cry for that and I’m not sure what else.

In a way it’s like too serene or whatever – too empty. I feel that familiar feeling of being a dark smudge on this otherwise pristine white canvas. There’s just no way to blend in out here.

Still, children seem like empty vessels who pick up on everything and are so affected by their surroundings. I mean, that’s what they tell me in therapy and it seems to be true. Stuff I don’t consciously remember affects my behavior every day. I see that now.

I felt like everyone else had gotten this instruction manual that explained life to them, but somehow I’d just missed it.

There is this crazy fear I have of being rejected by anyone – even people I don’t really care about. It’s always better to leave them first, cut all ties, and disappear. They can’t hurt me that way – no one can.

And though I have done many shameful things, I am not ashamed of who I am. I am not ashamed of who I am because I know who I am. I have tried to rip myself open and expose everything inside – accepting my weaknesses and strengths – not trying to be anyone else. ‘Cause that never works, does it? So my challenge is to be authentic.

Again, fix the outsides and maybe my insides won’t be such a dark place.