Yeah, I’m running for the White House again. Well, it’s not a run, really; it’s sort of a brisk walk.

I’m often asked why I travel around the country talking politics. Is it for humanitarian reasons, community spirit, or is it for the money, the limousines or the girls? The answers are: no, no, yes yes yes!

Having a comic in the White House will assure stability in foreign relations. The world will continue to respond to foreign initiatives by saying, ‘You must be joking.’

A gun is a necessity. Who knows if you’re walking down a street and you spot a moose?

Why should we tell kidnappers, murderers, and embezzlers their rights? If they don’t know their rights, they shouldn’t be in the business.

If Iowa is the ‘heart’ land, what part of the human body is Los Angeles?

No Taxes. Let’s just tip the government 15% if they do a good job.

If you’re old enough to be arrested, you’re old enough to carry a gun.

Many of you have asked why it’s taken me so long to select a running mate. I have no intention of reaching into the political grab bag and grabbing any man to be my running mate. I’m going to reach in and grab a woman!

Marijuana should be licensed and kept out of the hands of teenagers. It’s too good for them.