There was a cable-TV program that documented how Peeps are made, and it showed unlimited hordes of Peeps bouncing merrily down a conveyor belt, right toward the camera. I came.

No one under the age of eighteen needs a cell phone unless they’re a surgeon, a drug dealer, or a prostitute.

Fine, I’ll admit it, I’ve read all of the books in the trilogy, which have sold more copies than there are people in the world because a lot of girls have hoarded multiple copies of each book and hidden the backup copies under their beds or in their lockers or in hollow trees, in case there’s a nuclear holocaust.

I’m here,” I continued, “to guide you into the light of truth, decency and perhaps pants.

Most convicted felons are just people who were not taken to museums or Broadway musicals as children.

If God didn’t want you to have it, He would never have let you see it.

I was once all by myself in a house on Fire Island. Where I compared the original cast recordings of two different versions of The Wild Party. A helicopter should have descended and taken me away to a gay penal colony. But of course, I was already there.

I just hate that gay role models are supposed to be just like straight people, as if even straight people are like that.

Writing is 90% procrastination. It is a matter of doing everything you can to avoid writing, until it is about four in the morning and you reach the point where you have to write.

Yes, I shot my wife because I thought she was Bigfoot, but I’m from New Jersey.