Quotes by Paula Poundstone

The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn’t do it, then no one is sure it should be done.

I also like a great Caesar salad with anchovies, although I don’t know why some places say ‘with anchovies.’ If you’re making a proper Caesar salad, it’s going to have anchovies.

I’m really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it.

It is the best part of the night. The classic interactive lines are ‘Where are you from? What do you do for a living?’ I almost always get something interesting.

I can make things, but I don’t cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I’m too absentminded.

I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I’d done everything there was to do.

President Obama could keep a big map with push pins on it to keep track of how many countries hate us, and when we get down to only half, let’s have a ball. I’ll blow up the balloons myself.

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’

When we live up to our Constitution, let’s form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.

The mistakes that I made I made because I drank too much. I don’t think that’s going to happen any more. Am I going to make mistakes as a parent? Sadly, every day. I’m looking around for the perfect parent and I haven’t seen one yet.