We went all out with new things for our first child and the second one had nothing but hand-me-downs. The bronzed baby shoes almost killed him.

Anytime three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

A smile is a curve that sets things straight.

It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through its beak.

I'm at the age when my back goes out more than I do.

I don't know how you feel about old age, but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

Whatever you look like, marry a man your own age; As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once

Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream i dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight