There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well, please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

Zen martini: A martini with no vermouth at all. And no gin, either

You can always reason with a barnyard animal too for all the good it does.

Then proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.

There's one more terrifying fact about old people; I'm going to be one soon.

I found out that all the important lessons in life are contained in the three rules for achieving a perfect golf swing: 1. Keep your head down. 2. Follow through. 3. Be born with money.

The American political system is like fast food— mushy, insipid, made out of disgusting parts of things...and everybody wants some.

A man who drinks in a healthy, fit, and self-approving manner will mix vodka with yogurt and get tangled in the Nautilus machine trying to kiss his own ass.

Golf combines two favorite American pastimes, taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.