The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.

It's no good running a pig farm badly for 30 years while saying, 'Really, I was meant to be a ballet dance.' By then, pigs will be your style.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Catholics or the God of the protestants in whom you don't believe?

Even hooligans marry, though they know that marriage is but for a little while. It is alimony that is forever.

The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we have of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us.

You see, astrology is like fortune-telling. If you can't get it right, you say, Well, if Venus was doing something peculiar in the background, that would alter your prognostication because, of course, astrology is rubbish.

The formula for achieving a successful relationship is simple: you should treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.

Nearly always when actors are approached by the beauticians, they try to avoid the dabs that the beauticians put on their faces. They dodge them.

The young always have the same problem how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying one another.

I recommend limiting one's involvement in other people's lives to a pleasantly scant minimum.