I don’t pick on politicians. They ain’t done nothin’.

I have a sixth sense, but not the other five. If I wasn’t making money, they’d put me away.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. ‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

I just want to be known as a clown, because to me that’s the height of my profession. It means you can do everything – sing, dance and above all, make people laugh.

I won’t mind dying if I can tell St. Peter a joke he hasn’t heard.

It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and they’ll come out for it.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said “There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

Today’s comics use four-letter words as a shortcut to thinking. They’re shooting for that big laugh and it becomes a panic thing, using four-letter words to shock people.

Wouldn’t it be a pity if someone said that is a prayer and that would be eliminated from schools, too?