Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it’s an acting job. You have to act like you’re the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call.

Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.

We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.

A bunch of money-grubbin’, greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.

Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks – no cow tank.

Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn’t higher education, this was Amway with a football team!

America: Twenty million illegal aliens can’t be wrong!

I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday – short for ‘massive head trauma’ that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can’t sit still for anything that’s boring.

Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street – genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.