Always buy pornographic books in hardback because they’re easier to hold with one hand.

I was very surprised when last I bought a packet of cigarettes and had to request a refund as I read a warning that told me “smoking can cause fatal lung cancer”.

I have always been homosexual and it surprises me that more people are not; women’s pink bits are moist and forbidding and I enjoy those qualities much more in a Victoria sponge.

People tell me I shouldn’t smoke because it is makes you look like a tit. I use exactly the same argument when people tell me they go to the gym.

I am completely opposed to the British National Party; I couldn’t possibly support people who find fluorescent yellow flyers appealing.

The government are tightening up on ID for sales of tobacco and alcohol so I recommend that young people take more drugs.

I am with the Hot Sexy Banking Corporation. As all the other banks are going bust, they are just getting bustier.

Yes, you may ask my name but only if you can tell me: are your thighs as fine as a fresh, crisp morning in early July?

When asked why I don’t believe in God I reply, quite simply, “vaginas”.

I would say happy new year but it’s not happy; it’s exactly the same as last year except colder.