My wife wants sex in the back of the car, and she wants me to drive.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, wait til it gets warmer.

My cousins gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

I'm so ugly. My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

In the high school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity, and he threw the teacher out of the window.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

I found there was only one way to look thin. Hang out with fat people.

My psychiatrist told me I’m going crazy. I told him, ‘If you don’t mind I’d like a second opinion.’ He said, ‘All right… you’re ugly too!’

My wife and I were happy for 20 years - then we met.

I drink too much. The last time I give a urine sample, it has an olive in it.