I'm not a fan of the government doing anything. But I've got to ask: Why isn't the government doing anything? Maybe this Ag jobs bill will help. I don't know. Like most members of Congress, I haven't read it.

It’s Fourth of July weekend, or, as I call it, Exploding Christmas.

When I first started paying $4 a gallon a gas, I didn't mind; I thought I was just getting better gas.

Thankfully dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses. So whatever your dream is right now, if you don't achieve it, you haven't failed, and you're not some loser. But just as importantly—and this is the part I may not get right and you may not listen to—if you do get your dream, you are not a winner.

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don't learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us.

Vodka eyeballing sounds great, but it's a slippery slope. Next, you'll be scotch nostriling, tequila nippling and, before you know it, Jager tainting.

I would say laughter is the best medicine. But it's more than that. It's an entire regime of antibiotics and steroids. Laughter brings the swelling down on our national psyche and then applies an antibiotic cream. You gotta keep it away from your eyes.

Reality has a well-known liberal bias.

Everybody loves dogs. They’re the pizza of the animal kingdom.

You seem cynical because you’re always talking about that selfish behavior that’s dressed up as altruism. It doesn’t mean there isn’t altruism. It just means that it’s harder to make jokes about altruism.