I shouldn’t be allowed to think when I’m drinking.

He’s been hung up on a one-night-stand he had five years ago with a girl that smelled like Cocoa Puffs.

I should have sold you to that traveling circus when you were four.

I had been out of the game for too long. I couldn’t even get drunk and flirt anymore. I could however, get drunk and look like a stroke victim.

No one likes an ugly crier. It’s uncomfortable for all parties involved.

I love both of you exactly the way you are. I love that you have no filter, and I adore that Gavin can make grown men cry. There is not one thing I would change about either of you, and if anyone doesn’t like it, they can kiss my ass. You guys are my life and my family now. Nothing else matters.

I love you more than a hooker loves free VD testing day at the clinic.

I’m gonna make like a fetus and head out.

Who keeps putting alcohol in my alcohol?

I quickly tried to do the math but my brain was a jumbled mess and I couldn’t remember what number comes after potato!