My wife said, 'Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet.' I said, 'chocolate fudge.'

They always say start at the bottom if you want to learn something. But suppose you want to learn to swim?

It doesn't matter how many times the audience has heard it before. If it's funny, it's funny.

I'm recovering from a cold. I'm so full of penicillin that, if I sneeze, I'll cure someone.

I haven't got an ad lib for people throwing bread rolls at my hat.

The town was so dull: one day the tide went out, and it never came back.

I'm on a whisky diet... last week, I lost three days!

I've got a wife who never misses me. Her aim is perfect!

I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make them lean. He said, 'Which way?'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'