Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

Women are like elephants to me; I like to look at them, but I wouldn’t want to own one.

The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his buttons.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do, she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Women are like elephants. Everyone likes to look at them but no one likes to have to keep one.

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child—if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Remember, a dead fish can float down stream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get fout of it alive.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream,but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn’t.