Parliament will also struggle with Shakespeare. Rappers stutter too when they flirt. The palms of poised politicians sweat. Police officers fart. Princesses get wedgies. Royal Guards had to keep from laughing. The last rep in the gym will make any arm shake. Presidents had to apply. Rome fell.

There are two types of people. The first are people who think there are two types of people. The second are those who’ve accepted that everyone is tragically, and gloriously, different.

What's your type?' she asked.'Well, the right person wouldn't need to know.

I hate it when people say 'follow your heart.' That is not a morally sufficient reason for stalking.

Death is the ultimate vacation: you’re with the stars, you don’t have to pay rent, everyone loves you, and nothing hurts. So, it’s very important you save death for later.

Cashiers interact with hundreds of strangers per day, but seem to treat them all like one person. As a result, they seem to laugh at just about anything you say. “Hi, what can I get started for you?” “I’ll take a breakfast muffin.” “Haha, nice! Anything else?” “That’s everything.” “Haha, alright, there you go, sir. Your total is $3.24.” “Okay, here’s $5. Keep the change.” “Haha, no you’re good, haha.” If you want to feel like a stand-up comedian, buy something. 


I’m not good at writing letters, even though I just wrote eighty-two of them in this one sentence alone.

If you’re feeling down, we can go out and grab some ice cream. We don’t even have to pay—we can just stick our hands in the tubs, grab, let it sit, and walk away.

I think life is one big fluctuation between horniness and a sincere quest for meaning. We just call one the other.