106 Quotes by Alexandra Petri

At the end of the day, there is only one way to parent: wrong.

[That five-year-old refugee] has plans to grow up to become the most terrifying thing in the world: an American.

A little child was in the audience [at Donald Trump’s inauguration], and he started to cry, because the emperor was wearing so many clothes.

Hell hath no correctly punctuated fury like a book nerd scorned.

Embarrassing ourselves in front of strangers is literally one of the worst things that can happen to us. It’s in the slot where polio used to be. Awkwardness, rejection, missing out. We’ve conquered everything else and these constants of human life are all that remain to bedevil us.

My parents, worried that I might become popular at school, got me a book of puns at an impressionable age.

The only thing more terrifying than the feeling you’re being watched is the feeling that you’re not. Privacy is just an uncomfortable reminder that you’re not a celebrity.

This one’s called Social Suicide,” I said. “It’s about a girl who wants to get revenge on all the people in her life by killing herself in the middle of a dinner party.

It is possible to assemble a narrative for yourself, brokenly, on social media, only seeing what you want to look at.